How many breastfeeding moms out there have heard one (or all) of these comments?
By Bridget McGann
- Isn’t she too old for that?
- Aren’t YOU too old for that?
- You’re gonna make him gay.
- You’re gonna make her gay.
- He’s gonna grow up to be a perv.
Those are just a few examples of questions that breastfeeding moms hear everywhere when family, friends, and strangers approach a baby, toddler, but mostly child, feeding. With social media, the support from Attachment Parenting, the increase in "natural" and organic products, and going back to basics (let me refer to home remodels here.. people are putting in CONCRETE counter-tops in place of granite or marble, and CORK floors in place of tile or hardwood!), women everywhere are beginning to embrace the natural process of breastfeeding. They are no longer ashamed, no longer private, and no longer limiting it to 1 years old. Mothers may not have been limiting prior to Facebook or Blogger, but it is more publicized; people are putting their pictures on the internet, of their babies eating from their breasts! Women used to cover up as a courtesy to others, now we consider it rude or offensive if somebody asks us if we want to cover up, or to please do so. Because it's natural, and people should be accepting of it... in parks, on a bus ride, on a very large picture on Time Magazine. I myself am one of those people, who finds it awkward when somebody is openly breastfeeding, or there's a picture of a 5 year old standing up feeding from his or her mother. I don't know anybody personally who was breastfed until those later stages of childhood, but if I was not transferred to a bottle before I was 2, I feel like I would have a very strange relationship with my mother. But, I don't consider myself a "normal" mother. I didn't feel connected to my baby while she was in my belly; I thought it was weird that someone was growing inside of me. Cool, but weird. I only made it to 24 weeks in my pregnancy, and was knocked out with anesthesia for an emergency c-section. I wasn't able to hold my daughter for 4 days after she was born. But I didn't feel the great need for it either, and for that I felt guilty. I wanted to hold her because I knew it was good for her, and because I knew I should want to, not because it would create a bond for me- which it didn't. She was supposed to "sat" higher on her oxygen during kangaroo care, but she struggled when I held her, and I had to put her back in her incubator. It was supposed to be automatic love between mother and child; when she started smiling at me, and responding to me with excitement that I was coming to pick her up... that's when the connection started for me. She was almost 7 months old. The first time that I tried breastfeeding, when she was 3 months, I had already run out of milk anyways, so the hope was that her latching on would bring back my supply. But it felt so unnatural- I felt like I was doing something to her without her permission. Somebody sucking on my boob, to put it plainly, felt like sexual assault because she had no say.
So, no, I am not a "normal" mother, with normal feelings and attachment, and I feel guilty every day about this, but I can't help who I am or how I feel. My love for people, even my daughter, grows with time and because of situations that occur such as her smiling at me, or starting to laugh.
So, in a very off topic round-about way of saying it... I support breastfeeding, but, to a certain extent.
I have never come across anybody in person who was actually breastfeeding a baby uncovered, but if I had, I probably either would have:
a) ignored it because I am not uncomfortable with that
b) asked if they needed something to cover up with... maybe they forgot theirs, and if I had forgotten mine, I would have been grateful for somebody asking!
c) offering them a piece of advice of where they may get more privacy... maybe they didn't know, and once again, I would have been grateful
If I came across somebody breastfeeding a child 3-10 years old, I still would have ignored it, but I would have felt very awkward and would have been thinking Wow, aren't they too old for that? I'm all for the nutritional value that it may add to kids in this age range, but I'm not comfortable with it. Pump the breastmilk and give it to them in a cup as a drink. If I ask you a question like "isn't he too old for that?" it's not meant to be negative towards you, it's mostly curiosity. Please don't take comments like this to heart unless they attack you- questions are natural; and feel good about the fact that they did ask you a question about it instead of just staring or talking behind your back!
See other Parenting Blogs: Catching Fireflies Parenting
I'm sorry to hear that you had such a difficult time with breastfeeding your daughter; I know it must have been difficult to see your tiny sweet baby struggle in any way, especially the struggles of a micro-preemie. I'm also sure that you would have felt guilty no matter what decisions you made and no matter how your breastfeeding relationship turned out. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings you describe about bonding with your daughter are actually very "textbook" for first-time moms. Evidnece shows that feelings of bonding and attachment while pregnant and in the post-partum period are much stronger in subsequent pregnancies than in your first pregnancy. Add to that the stress and fear of a pre-term birth, the guilt/anxiety, etc, and you have the perfect storm for feeling just as you described. It's definitely on the spectrum of "normal", especially when your pregnancy/birth experience falls outside the "typical healthy full-term birth."
I did want to address some of your comments about breastfeeding, which I will do in a subsequent comment as this is getting long!
"I don't know anybody personally who was breastfed until those later stages of childhood, but if I was not transferred to a bottle before I was 2, I feel like I would have a very strange relationship with my mother." -- I'm wondering why you think this? Very interesting to me. Do you have vivid memories of your nutrition and comfort before age 2? Most people do not have any conscious memories before age 3, so that's interesting to me.
ReplyDelete"Women used to cover up as a courtesy to others, now we consider it rude or offensive if somebody asks us if we want to cover up, or to please do so. Because it's natural, and people should be accepting of it... in parks, on a bus ride, on a very large picture on Time Magazine."-- Actually, traditionally breastfeeding has NOT been covered. That only evolved as "normative" after the prevalent use of artificial formula in the 1940s. Looking at photographs of women with babies before that time and you will often see they breastfed uncovered. Additionally, women covered not as a courtsey to others, but because others treated them poorly or scared them into covering by threats and intimidation (and/or religious zealousy.) I think most women who do not cover make that choice not because it's "natural" but because we feel our first duty is to our children and ourselves, and if covering makes our children or self feel uncomfortable or unable to nurse effectively, then it shouldn't happen. Personally, I find that I can get a better latch when I don't cover. That means my baby is happier, healthier, and contented... and I personally don't experience the pain and discomfort of a poor latch. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding be natural, and everything to do with meeting the needs of my child and myself.
"Somebody sucking on my boob, to put it plainly, felt like sexual assault because she had no say."-- Think about this the other way around. In a healthy, full-term vaginal delivery, a baby left on mother's chest will do the "breast crawl." That baby is instinctively drawn to the breast, and left to their own devices, will latch unassisted. While the circumstances of your daughter's birth certainly may have made your nursing experience feel very one-way, it generally is not so, and certianly is not a sexual issue since a baby's desire to latch and suckle is never sexual.
"offering them a piece of advice of where they may get more privacy... maybe they didn't know, and once again, I would have been grateful"-- Generally speaking, offering unsolicited advice, especially about parenting and ESPECIALLY about breastfeeding is not a welcome thought to any parent. Do you like getting unsolicied advice about why you shouldn't use formula? Probably not. Same goes with offering something to use to cover. Most certainly, you would not want someone to offer you a cover to use while feeding your baby from a bottle-- why would a nursing mom want someone to offer a cover to her? It sends the message that YOU don't want to see what she is doing. If you want to be helpful, perhaps you can simply ask "can I get you anything?" That way, if mom does want a cover, she can ask, but if she is comfortable the way she is, you have not sent a message that you disapprove of what she is doing. Because that's not very supportive of breastfeeding.
ReplyDelete"If I came across somebody breastfeeding a child 3-10 years old, I still would have ignored it, but I would have felt very awkward and would have been thinking Wow, aren't they too old for that? I'm all for the nutritional value that it may add to kids in this age range, but I'm not comfortable with it. Pump the breastmilk and give it to them in a cup as a drink."-- This suggestion totally negates the emotional health of breastfeeding. Did you know that nursing moms are less likely to experience post-partum depression, and that in adopted children (of any age), breastfeeding (even without a significant caloric intake) is a primary form of bonding and attachment? The benefits of nursing, especially in older children, are rarely about nutrition, and mostly about helping the child feel connected and have their emotional needs met. Because all chidlren's personalities and needs are different, they may want to wean at different times. Seems best to let the bond between mother and child fall into the domain of that mom and child, and not to interfere by suggesting that the child is "too old." Because, in fact, when you ask a question like "isn't he too old for that," while you may not intend to be negative, and you may in fact simply be curious, your wording is negative and implies that you know more about the child's needs at their particular age than his/her mother does. If you are curious about why a family may chose full-term breastfeeding, you can probably satisfy your curiosity with the question "how did you decide to pursue full-term breastfeeding?"
"I support breastfeeding, but, to a certain extent."-- What this comment translates to is "I support breastfeeding, but only on *my* terms." If you want to truly support breastfeeding, you need to support it in any way that works for a mom and baby. That may mean supporting full-term breastfeeding, supporting those who wish to wean at 1 year, supporting those who want to exclusively pump, and supporting mommas like yourself who wanted and tried to breastfeed but were unable to do so.
Thank you for all of your comments! I was definitely in a place where all I was hearing was negativity towards formula-feeding mothers. I would never, and have never, personally asked breastfeeding mothers to cover up or if their child is too old; I actually support it and think that it's awesome that they feel so comfortable doing it. This post was all about me- I would not feel comfortable doing it, so I think it's great that they do. I felt like people were very judgmental about my baby being fed formula, and I was not trying to breastfeed (I dried up after 2 months in the NICU). EBM are very strong about their beliefs on breastfeeding, even if they put formula feeding mothers down in the process. So I felt like I wanted to address it, because I was feeling SO much of it earlier in the year!
ReplyDeleteI definitely like how you word questions differently to make people not as uncomfortable- I am not as good with my words!